Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Why I stopped arguing with God

Okay everyone.
Hunker down because this one might get emotional.

I’m planning on this being one of the last posts I make concerning my father’s cancer. I have some to terms with everything and I don’t see myself changing views before this is all over.
If you’ve been a friend of mine for a while, you know that my dad has been battling cancer for a while now. It started right before my high school graduation and has drug on for several years.
If you want to read any posts concerning my view on this war with cancer you can click here and browse through my other blog posts.

Cancer hits everyone like a brick wall. The wind is literally knocked out of you and your head starts spinning. Time stands still and all sound is gone. You stare at the ground and say over and over, “No, this is not real. No, this isn’t happening.”

But it is real.

It is happening.

Even though my dad is a born again Christian, and has assurance of his salvation, and knows 100% that he’s going to be in heaven with his Lord and Savior when he dies…cancer was a hard pill to swallow.

I’m a Christian too, and I know that I’ll get to see my dad again. I have that hope and trust in jesus. So why did it take me 5 years to be “okay” with it all?
I’ll be honest here. I did struggle with God. I kept asking “Why?” and “I don’t get it!” and even “He’s so good and he gave his life to serve you! Why are you hurting him! Why are you hurting me?”.

I said those things in my prayers over and over again. I struggled and wrestled with God.
People would ask me how I was doing…I always said I was fine, and then throw something in about my dad’s awesome attitude concerning the whole thing. On the inside, I was crying and confused.

I was told that he might only have a year left. I didn’t process it until the next day (worst day of my life). I remember being so frustrated at everything and being so on edge. My husband asked me if I needed to take a nap and relax a little. After he left the bedroom I screamed into my pillow so loudly. I must have fallen asleep after that because it was several hours before I opened my eyes again.

I asked my husband, “Why is it that I think he’ll live forever? It sounds so ridiculous out loud, but why does my brain think that?”. Mike said “Because God made people to live forever. And your dad will.”

If you know nothing about the Bible, know that God made a perfect world where there was no sin, death, sickness, any of that. Man’s choice to sin against God brought all that in. But our souls will live on forever. My dad’s soul will be in heaven and I’ll get to be there too! Forever!
When I was taking my pregnancy test, and waiting for that eternal 3 minutes to be over, I prayed. I prayed that if it was positive, that God would let my dad hold the baby.
I don’t know if it will happen here on Earth, or in heaven (as long as my baby becomes a Christian too), but I know my dad WILL get to hold and be with his grandchild.
He will get to share stories. He will get to enjoy their company. He will have a chance to love them.


Because our souls are eternal. That’s how God made us.

I’m finally done struggling and arguing with God concerning my father’s health. I’m at peace because I know that this isn’t the end. It’s only “till next time” for us.
It’s so easy for a Christian to nod their heads and shout “AMEN!” when the preacher says we’ll get to be in heaven forever and be with Christ and our loved ones. But it’s another thing to actually believe it, and allow that belief to completely comfort you.

My dad is still battling cancer. This could very well be his last Thanksgiving. I still cry a little, but then God puts a smile on my face as he reminds me that this is only “till we meet again”. 

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