(Mom and Dad's engagement photo)
I will warn you before I begin. This post is not about school, it's not about a cool new craft that I just discovered, and it's not about my wedding. It's sad and it's from my heart. Blogs are funny things you know...we can use them to share our opinions and start fights over the internet. We can use them to keep our family updated with photos,or like me....we can use them to share cool ideas. But when something this huge bombs my world, I feel as though it's appropriate to express my thoughts here. Here on my slice of the internet for all to see.
Last Friday, after classes, my Dad skyped me. We don't skype a lot so it was a little odd that he wanted to. Then he said he had news and he told me to sit down. That's when the world stopped turning and the word "cancer" left his lips. I didn't make a sound even though the word hit me like a brick wall. I felt as though my heart had stopped beating and my lungs forgot their purpose. You would expect for some sound to come out... but it was all I could do not to fall over.
(Dad and I when my little brother was born in 1992)
Cancer is one of the hardest and most horrific words in the English language.
He gave me the details and I eventually found myself walking back to my room. Mom and Nathan were with me when Dad skyped and I told them I just needed to be alone for a minute. I walked up three flights of stairs and remember a girl asking me if I was ok. I tried to talk but no sound came out. I was surprised that my voice was gone so I just shook my head and kept walking.
Instead of going to my room where my roommates may be, I went into our dorm Prayer room. I closed the door...shut the window and feel to my knees. I don't know how loud I screamed, but I know a girl at the end of the hall heard me.
(Mom and Dad at the sugar shack)
In that moment, my body, mind and sole felt pure pain. But there was something else there....and this is why I write.
I had peace. I threw myself into my God's arms and I just cried out my heart on his shoulder. You see...I'm a Christian. I am ashamed that I have never shared this before. But I trusted Christ with my eternity and he's my savior. I know that when it's my turn to leave this world, I'll find myself in heaven with him and I'm not afraid to die.
(Dad kissing Mom in the rain)
I know that my God made this world and all of the beautiful things in it. He gave me my Dad. And I know that no matter what comes my way, it's ok because I'm a daughter of the King. God is right here, he's holding me in his arms and he's holding my Daddy in his arms too. He's is in control when things are going great, and he's in control when everything crumbles around me.
In that first moment of pure pain...my face flat on the floor... peace came. And peace overcame the pain. I still cry. I love my Dad. He was my hero when I was a little girl and he still is now that I'm 22. I'm sad to see him going through cancer again....But I have God. Everything is going to be ok, no matter the outcome. I have my God with me. He's holding me right now and he won't ever let me go.
(Dad and I a few years ago)
I wanted to share this with you because maybe you've have a bomb just dropped in your life. Turing to friends, drugs, drinking, food, or even family won't give you the peace that I have. All of those things, yes...even family, will fail you. I know that family has failed me before. But God won't do that. I don't understand and I don't have to. I just need to trust and wrapped myself in his all powerful arms.
I have perfect peace. And Dad, I know you're reading this...I love you.
(Dad and I in New York last summer)